Practice Pon Farr
by WeirdLittleStories
Summary: When Spock says they can't be lovers unless Kirk can handle pon farr, Kirk suggests that they have a "practice" pon farr, to see if it will work between them. Spock is dubious, because past human lovers haven't been able to take what he needs, but of course Jim Kirk is experienced, tough, and an adrenaline junkie. :-)
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Notes**

 **1.** If you've read my other stories, please be aware that this story is, uh, very different from most of them. Sunshine said somewhere that there wasn't enough K/S kink, and I undertook to add to that. :-) So this story isn't just slashy but also involves both dominance/submission and the intentional infliction of pain. If that's not your cup of tea, now is the time to move on.

 **2.** In "The Naked Time," right before Nurse Chapel confesses her love for Spock, she says something else, something that many fans have skipped over, because it didn't seem to go with what she said right afterwards. She said, _"The men from Vulcan treat their women strangely. At least, people say that, but you're part human too. I know you don't, you couldn't, hurt me, would you?"_

Wait, what? The men from Vulcan generally "treat their women strangely," and the form this takes is that they _hurt_ the women? Is she talking about domestic violence, about rough sex, about consensual sadomasochism, or what?

Well, in Leonard Nimoy's second autobiography, _I Am Spock,_ he reproduces an excerpt from an internal memo that Gene Roddenberry sent around to the cast and crew of _Star Trek_ in May of 1966. The words in italics in the paragraph below are from Mr. Nimoy's excerpt of that memo, quoted from _I Am Spock_ (p.66 of the hardcover first edition):

 _[Emotional repression on Vulcan] probably led to a need for hypnosis as part of the sex act, and we may gather from time to time that love on Spock's planet has a_ _ **somewhat more violent quality**_ _than Earth's aesthetics permit mankind to enjoy._ [emphasis added]

"Somewhat more violent quality," huh? I guess that's why Nurse Chapel has heard rumors that Vulcan men cause physical pain to the women they're involved with. So, we're talking considerable roughness at the very least, and sadomasochism as a possibility, and this is _normal Vulcan sexuality,_ not any kind of kink? Fascinating, as the man in question would say. :-)

It seems unlikely that this is supposed to be limited to the once-every-seven-years event of pon farr, partly because "The Naked Time" was produced an entire year before "Amok Time" invented _pon farr,_ and partly because Roddenberry's memo doesn't say that Vulcan sex is "somewhat more violent" _sometimes_ or _once in awhile;_ he just says flat out that it's more violent.

Obviously, we don't know exactly what Gene Roddenberry meant by "somewhat more violent" or what was meant by "the men from Vulcan treat their women strangely," but the existence of this memo and these lines has given legions of fanfic authors a lot of latitude to imagine some very interesting things while still sticking pretty close to canon. :-)

(And since _Klingon_ sexuality is said to involve _broken bones,_ very rough sex was clearly on the minds of at least some of Star Trek's writers.)

 **3.** It is customary to italicize foreign words in English text. Usually we don't italicize _pon farr_ in Star Trek fan fiction, since we all know what it means ... or think we know. I'm following the convention of italicizing it as a foreign word, to remind us all that it IS a foreign word, and that we may not know everything that's involved in it... :-)

 **4.** This story takes place the day after "The Immunity Syndrome."

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* * *

 **Practice Pon Farr**

by **Weird Little Stories**

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Kirk walked into Spock's quarters, where Spock was sitting behind his desk, practicing the lute. The Vulcan pressed a hand to the strings, silencing them, and looked up at Kirk. "Do you require something, Captain?"

Kirk took the lute from Spock's hands and set it gently on the desk, then smiled down at him. "Yes, I require something, Spock; I require **you**. You almost died yesterday, and that made me realize that I can't keep putting off talking to you about something important."

Spock gestured toward a chair. "Please sit and tell me what you wish to say."

Kirk sat, then leaned forward and looked intently at Spock. "We've been friends for awhile now, and that friendship has become the most important relationship in my life. I realized yesterday when we thought we'd lost you that I don't want to share just duty and meals and chess with you; I also want you to share my heart, my bed, and my life."

Spock exhaled audibly. "Jim, nothing would please me more than to become your lover, but I cannot. If we were to become lovers, I would be drawn to you during my next _pon farr,_ and I will not inflict that upon you."

Kirk smiled. "So you'd be drawn to me. So what? I **want** to be the one to take care of you during your next _pon farr."_

Spock closed his eyes briefly to hide the pain in them, then opened them again. "Jim, what do you think _pon farr_ consists of?"

Kirk said, "You called it 'the time of mating,' so I've been assuming that we'd have a lot of sex for a day or two, and given that you talked about a telepathic link with T'Pring, I figured that you'd want or need to meld with me."

Spock shook his head. "If that were all that _pon farr_ required of you, I would have already approached you, long since. But Jim," Spock looked at Kirk, moved enough that sadness was visible on the usually stoic features, "Vulcan sexuality is not exactly like human sexuality at the best of times, and during _pon farr,_ our differences are pronounced."

Kirk waved a hand in the air, brushing that off. "Your mother's been married to Sarek for decades, so it can't be that big of a deal."

Spock stiffened. "It is a regrettable fact of my parents' life that my father uses a Vulcan surrogate during his Time."

Kirk looked surprised. "I didn't know that. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to pry into your family's secrets. But, if your father uses a Vulcan surrogate during _pon farr,_ couldn't you do the same?"

Spock shook his head. "I could not. The telepathic bond between my parents is weak enough that Sarek can use a Vulcan surrogate, but your mind and mine are highly compatible, so compatible that I must be extremely careful when we meld in the line of duty, lest I strengthen the bond between us to the point where I would be drawn to you during my next Time even in the absence of a sexual relationship between us."

Kirk processed this. "Ah. But that just proves my point, then — we're so compatible that we **should** be lovers."

Spock allowed some of his exasperation to show. "Yes, Jim, I am aware of this. I am so highly aware of it that I find you a constant temptation, one that I resist for **your** sake, not my own."

Kirk smiled. "I should have known that if you ever turned me down, it would be for some noble reason." He sobered. "I'm afraid that just knowing that you're protecting me isn't good enough. I need to know exactly what would happen during _pon farr._ What's involved in this Vulcan sexuality that you're so determined not to inflict on me?"

Spock sighed, then looked amused. "And I should have known that you would not be deterred by vague warnings but would demand all the facts. Very well, I will tell you."

Spock rose from his chair and went to the fire pot next to his bed. He added incense to the depression in the statue, and a heady aroma began to perfume the air. He ordered the computer to change the room's settings to Vulcan twilight, and the air became noticeably hotter **—** though still cooler than during the Vulcan day **—** and the lights became dimmer and redder. In one smooth motion, he removed both his tunic and his undershirt, throwing them on the bed, and stalked back into the main room wearing only his trousers and boots.

Kirk swallowed. He'd gone from his own starship to a facsimile of Vulcan, and his would-be lover had discarded his Starfleet insignia and civilized casing and was now half naked. Nor was that the only change in Spock, who was walking with a predatory gait that Kirk had never seen before, and who was looking at him with a feral gaze that Kirk hadn't even known Spock was capable of. The changes were more subtly disturbing than he would have expected, and he realized that Spock was doing this on purpose, to make sure Kirk got the message. He didn't yet know what that message was, but his "unemotional" first officer was making sure that the emotional nuances and resonances of the setting would support the information he was about to convey.

Spock stood in front of Kirk, who was still seated in his chair, looming over the captain and looking more alien than usual in the dim red light, which seemed to highlight the angularity of his face. Spock's voice, usually so smooth and pleasant to listen to, was deeper and raspier than usual. "When I told you that I needed to take a wife, I was not referring merely to sexual congress, nor even merely to a mind meld. Vulcan marital relationships are firmly egalitarian in the vast majority of a couple's life, as befits a relationship between logical people, but in the area of sexuality, neither the mind nor the civilized being holds sway. In this one area, we are controlled by our biology, and our sexual behavior is regulated almost exclusively by biological factors, to a degree that you humans, with your greater ability to make sexual choices, would find incomprehensible. Vulcan males are sexually dominant — one could even say **extremely** sexually dominant — to a degree that you would no doubt find distasteful."

Kirk resisted the desire to move his chair back. "But I'm male, too; I'm not a wife you could 'take' but a husband."

Spock shook his head. "You are male, but you are human. The civilized part of me recognizes your excellence and your worth, but the less civilized part of me knows that you are physically weaker than I, and during _pon farr,_ it is this less civilized aspect that will control my behavior. You are weaker than even a Vulcan female, so I would not see you as less deserving of my dominance because you are male but as more deserving of my dominance because you are human."

Kirk called up the bravado that had enabled him to face down would-be gods and self-proclaimed superior races so many times in the past. "So you want to be the one to do the fucking during _pon farr."_ He shrugged. "I can live with that, as long as I get to do my share of it the rest of the time."

Spock leaned down and clamped a hand over each of Kirk's wrists where they rested on the arms of his chair. "I am not using the word 'dominance' figuratively, to describe which partner would perform the inserter role during intercourse."

Spock leaned on his hands, letting Kirk feel the strength that he usually masked around his human colleagues and stared fiercely into Kirk's eyes. "I would take control of your body and your mind. I would claim you for my own and mark you as mine. Nor would these marks be merely decorative or purely symbolic; I would tear your flesh with my teeth and leave you bleeding beneath me. Nor would that be all." He paused for a moment, to assess Kirk's reaction to what he'd said so far.

Kirk squirmed in his chair, trying unsuccessfully to free his wrists from Spock's restraint, not because he wanted to get away but because he wanted not to. He struggled, the better to feel Spock's strength and the better to feel his own temporary helplessness.

It is a well-known fact that many men who are extremely powerful in their professional lives are sexually submissive in their private lives. James Kirk was the best starship captain of his generation, and he could make split-second decision after split-second decision — ones that would determine, at minimum, the fate of 430 lives, and at maximum, the fate of the Federation, or even of the galaxy. He could order his crew to battle stations, knowing that some of them were likely to die in the duty; as he had proved yesterday, he could even order his closest friend to all-but-certain death.

James Kirk could do all of this and do it well — he could even do it for an indefinitely long period of time — but for all that he was an exceptional human being, he **was** human. His psyche longed for the vacation from being in charge, for the vacation from having to make a thousand decisions a day, for the vacation from having all hands look to him as the ultimate authority, that sexual submission would provide.

He'd attempted to play a submissive role in a few past relationships and been disappointed. Although many submissives longed to lay their submission at their dominant's feet like a present, Kirk wanted to have his submission wrested from him — with his prior consent, of course — by a person who could legitimately overpower him. Even though he genuinely wanted the submissive role, his need for power and control was too strong for him to easily set that power aside, and he could only truly give it up if forced to.

Kirk had found some lovers who could overpower him physically, but those people were no match for his restless and creative mind. He'd found a few who could match his intellectual level, but those few were completely unable to control his brawny physique. He'd ultimately decided that what he wanted was unobtainable; there was no one who could overcome his great strength who could also counter his tactical brilliance, who could counter his restless energy and intelligent mind with energy and intelligence to match or supersede his. He'd begun to perform the dominant's role, himself, because at least there he could enjoy his submissive's pleasure vicariously. He'd found that taking the wrong role in the dance was better than not dancing at all.

And while it was true that he'd never found anyone who could handle him, it was also true that Kirk had never found anyone he could allow himself to truly submit to, because he'd never found anyone he considered worthy of his submission. He wasn't completely sure of what it would take for him to consider someone worthy; he just knew that he'd never found it until he met Spock. And while he'd known Spock was worthy, until now, he'd believed that his restrained and exquisitely civilized Vulcan first officer would see dominance games merely as a further example of humans' regrettable lack of logic. It had never occurred to him that perhaps dominance wouldn't be a game for Vulcans but a reality, a reality he could experience if only he could convince Spock he was up to it.

Spock looked down at Kirk and saw the pupils of the hazel eyes dilate, but not in fear. He felt the human's ineffectual struggles against his clamping hands, but the telepathic senses of those same hands informed him that Kirk struggled not to get away but to better feel the strength of his restraint. That restraint — or perhaps his words, as he'd described what he meant by dominance — had made Kirk hard, and Spock clamped down on the hope that threatened to spring up within him. Kirk had not yet heard it all, and hope was premature.

Spock looked into Kirk's eyes with the full force of his personality, a force that he had heretofore carefully masked when with Kirk, even when off duty and in social mode. "In Starfleet, I am your subordinate, and it is a role I fill willingly, for you are an excellent captain, and it is a privilege to serve you. But you have never seen me when I am _not_ being subordinate, for even when off duty, I am deferential. You have never seen me unleash all of the power at my command, much less turn it upon you."

Spock stared into Kirk's eyes with a dominant glare that had nothing of the deferential first officer about it, and his voice was harsh and uncompromising. "During _pon farr,_ I will not merely be subject to the madness that afflicts all Vulcans at this time, I will also be a Spock that you have never seen before, a Spock that you do not know and may not wish to associate with, an overwhelming and commanding Spock that you may not wish to take into your mind and into your body. But if we begin _pon farr_ together, you will have nochoice, for I **will** take you, and I **will** possess both your body and your mind, regardless of what you think or feel or say or do."

Kirk smiled at Spock, that deliberately seductive smile that Spock had often witnessed before, but never seen turned upon **him**. Kirk said, "You've just said the one thing I can think of that would make me want you MORE."

Spock would have thought that Kirk was bluffing, except that Kirk's wrists were still under his hands. This did not give him the window into Kirk's mind that a full meld would have, but he could feel Kirk's arousal, and furthermore, he sensed no deception. He raised one eyebrow in amusement. "You believe you want this, but you have not yet heard the full story. I began by speaking of dominance, because it is a desire shared by many humans and is less taboo than the other elements of Vulcan sexuality. But there is more, Jim."

Kirk wrenched his mind back from the sexual haze that had begun to fill it. Spock was no alarmist, and he knew his captain well. If he thought that Kirk would have trouble handling the full scope of Vulcan sexuality, Kirk owed it to both of them to listen with a clear and open mind. He breathed deeply for a moment, clearing his mind, then nodded at Spock. "All right, then. Suppose you tell me about it."

Spock stopped leaning on Kirk's wrists. He had wanted Kirk to clearly understand that he would be very different during _pon farr_ , and it had been a complete surprise that this information had aroused Jim so thoroughly as to sap his ability to think. While that reaction was gratifying, it was not conducive to obtaining Kirk's informed consent. He reined himself in, sat in a chair across from Jim, and considered how best to proceed.

Kirk was used to hearing and evaluating information from his science officer; perhaps falling back into that role would ensure that Jim truly took in what he was about to say. Spock leaned forward slightly in his chair and said, "You must have heard the rumors. Even Nurse Chapel has heard the rumors, as I learned when the crew was in an altered state of consciousness during the Psi 2000 virus."

Kirk looked at him curiously. "What did she say to you?"

"She said, 'The men from Vulcan treat their women strangely. At least, people say that, but you're part human too. I know you don't, you couldn't, **hurt** me, would you?'"

Kirk nodded. "Yes, I've heard those rumors, but I remember the command track cautions against projection at the Academy. Humans have a long history of taking things in ourselves that make us uncomfortable and seeing those things in others, whether they're really there or not. We have to be especially careful not to project our own disowned qualities onto aliens we meet in the line of duty, and I figured that's what humans had been doing with Vulcans."

Spock inclined his head. "An astute assumption, but incorrect. It is an unfortunate feature of Vulcan sexuality that Vulcan males require the pain of a partner for satisfaction; we cannot climax without it."

Kirk blinked, taking this in. "You're saying Vulcan males are sexual sadists? **All** Vulcan males?"

Spock titled his head to one side. "If judged by human standards, Vulcan males are sexual sadists, but Jim, this is not a variation, as it is among humans; this is normal Vulcan sexuality. We do not call it sadism among ourselves, because one does not need a special word to describe the ordinary."

"But you called it 'an unfortunate feature.'"

Spock exhaled audibly. "Because I have lived among humans for many years, and I am aware of how this feature of Vulcan sexuality is regarded among humans. But Jim, during _pon farr_ I will not be thinking about how sadism appears to humans. It is a normal and inescapable feature of Vulcan sexuality, and Vulcans are **not** ashamed of it. We hide it from outsiders, because we are aware that it is not not well regarded among most Federation species, but among Vulcans it is expected, natural, normal, inevitable."

Kirk smiled. "I don't mind a little pain with my sex; in fact, I find a little pain adds spice."

Spock sighed. "I am aware that many humans perform a mild version of such activities. I have read that sexual spanking is common enough among humans that certain hotels on Wrigley's Pleasure Planet come equipped with fur-covered paddles for the enjoyment of their patrons. But Jim, Vulcans are not pretending, and fur-covered paddles are not in our repertoire. It is difficult to quantify pain, but the amount of pain a Vulcan male requires for satisfaction would almost certainly be greater than what you would term 'a little.'"

Kirk considered this. "Maybe you can't quantify pain, but I bet you can describe the things you'd want to do, and that would give me a ballpark estimate for the amount of pain you'd need."

The tips of Spock's ears blushed green. "As you know, my previous _pon farr_ was not consummated, so I have no direct experience with _pon farr_ levels of activity."

"But you've had sex outside of pon farr, right? I don't remember seeing any bruises on Leila Kalomi when you were done with her."

Spock blinked, surprised that Jim assumed he'd had sex with Leila. "Jim, you yourself discovered that strong emotions destroyed the spores. Hence, those spores did not permit sexual activity. They induced a romantic haze and permitted a few rather tame caresses, but they prohibited sexual intercourse or any caresses likely to elicit much in the way of sexual arousal."

Kirk blushed. "Oh. Sorry. I thought only strong **negative** emotions would destroy the spores." He gave Spock a teasing smile. "If I'd known positive emotions would work just as well, I'd have kissed you that day in the transporter room, rather than insulted you."

"That would have been considerably more pleasant," Spock said dryly.

Kirk thought for a moment. "But does that mean you have no sexual experience at all?"

Spock swallowed, clearly uncomfortable. "On the contrary. I engaged in a number of sexual relationships during my first few years on the _Enterprise,_ during Christopher Pike's tenure as captain, before I realized this was ultimately futile." He looked away. "All of those relationships ended quickly, the majority of them after the first sexual interaction, the remainder after the second or third."

Kirk used his gentlest voice. "I'm sorry to hear that, Spock. What happened?"

Spock sat stiffly, as he always did when uncomfortable. "In every case, I told my partner that Vulcan males required the pain of a partner in order to climax, and in every case, my partner claimed to be a "bottom," who desired pain for his or her own fulfillment."

He shook his head. "But what they desired and what I desired were of such different magnitudes as to be completely incompatible. I deliberately sought out sexually adventurous people, those who claimed to enjoy roughness or dominance or actual pain, only to find that even the most attenuated form of Vulcan sexuality I could manage was more than they could withstand."

Kirk grimaced. "That sounds very discouraging; I can see why you're fending me off now, and why you've pretended to be asexual all these years."

He leaned forward in his chair. "But I'm not the youngest captain in Starfleet history because I'm exactly like everybody else."

Spock relaxed slightly. "No, you are not."

Kirk smiled. "Until I met you, I'd always had a stronger desire than anyone I'd ever known to do, to be, to explore ... to **experience** all the galaxy has to offer."

Kirk held out a hand. "I'm an intense person, and the only person I've ever met who could match my intensity was you. I can't promise that I'll want or need all the pain a Vulcan does, but I don't think you should judge me by your past experiences with humans, either."

Spock inclined his head. "That is so. You have confounded my expectations of humans since I met you, and I see no reason why you should not continue to do so." He looked amused.

Kirk said, "And another thing. You remember that fight I got into with Finnegan on the Shore Leave planet?"

"I do."

"You asked me afterward if I'd enjoyed it, and I said I did."

"I recall the incident."

Kirk smiled wryly. "You probably thought I meant that I'd enjoyed finally beating Finnegan, and I did, but that was only half of it. The other half was that a physical contest focuses me and makes me live entirely in the present. Physical pain, especially if it's part of a physical contest, gets me out of my head and into my body."

Kirk sighed. "During most of my life, I spend so much time planning, thinking, going over tactics, figuring out how to motivate the crew, how to dicker with the admirals, how to approach aliens ... I need to get out of my head sometimes. Fighting is good for that, and so is sex, but sex that involves fighting or pain seems as if it would be the best of all."

Sheer amazement lifted Spock's eyebrow. "You do desire this."

Kirk smiled. "I've been looking for this for my whole life, but I've never found anyone before now who could handle me. The people who were smart enough weren't strong enough, and the people strong enough weren't smart enough, but you ... the only drawback I thought there'd be to loving you would be that we'd have to have controlled, restrained, logical sex. It never occurred to me that I'd get to have violent, painful, dominating sex."

Spock blinked rapidly to clear his vision, but Kirk remained in his quarters, smiling at him. This was no hallucination. Kirk **wanted** Vulcan sexuality, and not the attenuated version that Spock had thought would be the best any Vulcan could expect from a human partner. Kirk wanted the full force of Vulcan sexuality. If he was telling the truth, and Spock believed that he was, Kirk had in fact been craving the full force of Vulcan sexuality for the past decade or more.

Spock cleared his throat. "You believe that you desire this, but you have never seen me behaving in this way. It is a well-known fact that sexual fantasies are generally more extreme than the activities the fantasist would enjoy in real life. You may enjoy imagining a sexually sadistic Spock when alone in your quarters, but that does not mean that you would enjoy the reality."

Kirk smiled. "So, we'll practice."

Spock tilted his head to one side. "I beg your pardon?"

Kirk said, "Before _pon farr_ comes, before you join our minds in an unbreakable bond, we'll practice. We'll go somewhere private, you'll act just as uncontrolled as you would during _pon farr,_ and we'll see if I can handle it."

Spock considered this. "You will have a code word that will stop our activities — the usual term is 'safe word,' — in case it turns out that you do not, in fact, desire as much as you believe you do."

Kirk chuckled. "My Vulcan first officer knows about safe words."

Spock sighed. "Humans often believe Vulcans to be both innocent and ignorant when it comes to sexuality, but Jim, I am **the science officer of this vessel** _._ My knowledge of biology, zoology, and ethology includes the mating habits of thousands of species of animals from hundreds of different planets. My knowledge of psychology, sociology, and anthropology includes the preferred sexual activities, sexual positions, sexual variations, and sexual disorders of every sentient species in the Federation and several outside it."

Kirk nodded. "So of course you know about safe words."

Spock said, "My practical experience of sexuality is undoubtedly less than yours, but my theoretical knowledge of it is undoubtedly greater."

Kirk leaned forward and spoke in a darkly seductive voice. "Before I'm done with you, you'll have so much sexual experience, you'll consider yourself an expert in more than just the theoretical realm."

An amused eyebrow arched upward. "You are aware that Vulcans have extremely high standards, and that 'expert' is not a word we use lightly."

Kirk grinned. "Mr. Spock, I'm counting on it!"

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	2. Chapter 2

Kirk and Spock were seated in Spock's quarters, discussing the possibility of a romantic relationship between them. Kirk deliberately reined in the intense arousal that Spock's description of Vulcan sexuality had produced in him, the better to take in all the facts before making a decision. Still, Spock would have to say something pretty dire before Kirk would forgo the chance of at least the practice _pon farr_ they were discussing ... and hopefully that practice would lead to a permanent relationship.

Spock looked at him seriously. "I am pleased that the realities of Vulcan sexuality excite you, rather than dismay you, but there are still several topics we must discuss."

Kirk lounged in his chair, deliberately putting on his most relaxed air. Spock's previous lovers had reacted negatively to Vulcan sexuality, and Kirk wanted to allay Spock's fear that Jim would respond the same way. "Okay. Let's hear it."

Spock pressed the tips of his index fingers together in front of his lips. "I have said before that our minds are so compatible that there is already a danger that we will be drawn together during my next Time. This means that we can engage in sexual activities exactly once without strengthening our link to the point where this is inevitable."

Kirk frowned. "So we can't have a couple of free and easy evenings of making love first; we have to jump directly into _pon farr_ practice."

Spock inclined his head. "Correct. It also means that while you may use your safeword at any point during the proceedings, using it will end not just that activity but any chance of a sexual relationship between us."

Spock pressed his lips together, as if he regretted what had just come out of them. "It is not my intention to pressure or manipulate you, but merely to acknowledge the realities of _pon farr._ There is no shame for you if you are unable to withstand the rigors of _pon farr_ — no human that I am aware of has done so — but the facts are as they are. If you cannot endure _pon farr,_ we cannot mate."

Kirk nodded. "Got it." Then, struck by an awful thought, he blurted out, "But we'll still be friends, won't we? Even if it turns out that I can't handle _pon farr,_ that won't change anything else between us, right?"

Spock's face softened. "It will not. I shall be your friend for as long as I live. If I should manage to live as long as a typical Vulcan, I shall be your friend even after you yourself become dust."

Kirk sighed, warmed by the permanence of Spock's declaration. "You do love me, then."

That earned him an eyebrow. "You are well aware of this. There is much between us that has been unspoken, but it has been unsaid, not unknown."

Kirk grinned. "We humans usually like to hear it, but you're right, I did know. And I shouldn't press you; you're perfect exactly the way you are, and I shouldn't try to change you."

Spock said, "If you are able to tolerate Vulcan sexuality, you will always be aware of my regard for you; such is ensured by the telepathic nature of the mating bond. And if you cannot tolerate Vulcan sexuality, the less we have said of love, the better, if we must return to a ... less complicated relationship."

Kirk nodded. "You're right; if we have to go back to being only friends, I'd rather not know exactly how much you love me." He smiled grimly. "I'll spare you my own declarations of love until after we've proved we can go through _pon farr_ together, then."

Kirk realized he'd tensed up during the conversation and again deliberately relaxed himself, sprawling in his chair. "Okay, so we can only have sex once unless I pass the test, and calling safeword ends not just whatever we're doing but any chance of a sexual relationship between us. What else?"

Spock tilted his head slightly to the side. "I had thought to detail the activities that have proven problematic with previous partners, so that you could evaluate them."

Kirk motioned with his hand. "Lay it on me."

Spock said, "Biting is an intrinsic part of Vulcan sexuality even in the absence of _pon farr,_ and during my Time, I will bite you repeatedly. I am aware that humans also engage in erotic biting, but Vulcans take this to a level that most humans find disquieting."

Kirk looked speculatively at Spock. "You said you'd tear me open with your teeth."

"Correct."

Kirk smiled. "Promise?"

An amazed eyebrow traveled upward. "You believe you desire this."

Kirk said, "I **know** I desire this, because I've done it before."

Spock leaned forward slightly in his chair. "I am pleased to hear it, because previous human lovers found it disquieting that I desired to bite that intensely. They found the idea of drawing blood during sexual activity to be anywhere from frightening to disgusting."

Kirk shrugged. "How many times have you seen me bleed?"

Spock spoke dryly. "Many times, but never as a result of sexual activity."

Kirk waved a hand. "Bleeding doesn't bother me; it happens so often that I bleed the way other people eat."

Spock tilted his head slightly. "Thrice per day and in copious quantities during seasonal celebrations?"

Kirk laughed. "Okay, maybe not that much, but I'm not some scientist who never leaves her lab or some programmer who spends every moment he's awake in the computer room."

Spock looked intently at Kirk. "Injuries do not diminish the enthusiasm with which you approach your chosen profession of starship captain."

Kirk nodded. "Exactly! So you don't have to tip-toe around the subject quite so much. Just list what you need and what you want me to do."

The two men then discussed Vulcan sexuality in more detail. Not all of it was something Kirk had done before or desired to do, but none of it was extreme enough to make him want to call off their proposed practice version of _pon farr_. Much of it involved activities he'd fantasized about but never done, and while he didn't know if he'd enjoy the reality, none of it seemed like too high of a price to pay for the privilege of loving Spock.

Once Spock had finished describing everything he could think of that might make Kirk want to cancel their proposed course of action, Kirk had one question: "I'm okay at least trying everything you've talked about, but there's one thing you haven't mentioned. Will you kiss me?"

Spock said, "It is not a typical feature of Vulcan sexuality, so it will not occur during _pon farr._ If our attempt at simulating _pon farr_ is successful, I will, of course, adapt to your humanity enough to kiss you."

Kirk didn't like the sound of that. "You won't kiss me during our _pon farr_ practice, so if I fail the test, I don't get to kiss you, at all, ever?"

Spock swallowed and looked down. "Jim, if I am not permitted to spend the rest of our lives kissing you, then I wish never to have kissed you at all."

Kirk's heart melted. "That may be the most romantic thing anyone's ever said to me."

Kirk waited a moment, but Spock didn't tell him that Vulcans were not, of course, romantic. In fact, Spock looked at him with obvious love shining out of his dark eyes, and Kirk thought that perhaps Vulcans were merely **secret** romantics. Amanda had seemed pretty happy with Sarek, after all.

The two men discussed where and when they might have their practice version of _pon farr_ and agreed upon a secluded location during their next shore leave, two weeks hence.

Once all the logistics had been decided upon, Spock cleared his throat. "One final consideration. Before you enter the room where we will simulate _pon farr,_ you should prepare yourself quite thoroughly for intercourse, because while in the throes of _pon farr,_ I will be incapable of preparing you myself, nor will I enter you slowly or gently."

Kirk considered this. "I can stretch myself out and lube myself up, but what about after the first time? I'll need more lube, and if you can't add any ..."

Spock looked amused. "I realize that in humans, it is the female who supplies the majority of the lubrication for heterosexual intercourse, but Jim, as I must frequently remind you, Vulcans are NOT human. In Vulcans, it is the male who supplies the bulk of the lubrication for intercourse; you will find that my penis secretes an oil that will be quite efficacious."

Kirk smiled. "Glad to hear it!" He looked at Spock and considered their plans. "I realize that you don't want us to kiss if we can't continue being lovers, but I don't think I can stand it unless I get to touch you affectionately. I know _pon farr_ practice will be ... violent, but can I just caress you for a moment?"

Spock inclined his head gravely. "You may."

Kirk stood up and walked over to where Spock was sitting; the Vulcan rose to meet him.

Kirk raised his hand and cupped Spock's cheek. "Models on Earth would kill for cheekbones like these." He caressed Spock's face, running his hand over each cheekbone in turn, then rubbing his thumbs over the upswept eyebrows that expressed so much with the smallest quirk.

He lifted his hands higher and delicately rubbed the tip of Spock's ear between his thumb and first two fingers; the ear tip felt just as delicate as it looked. He smiled into Spock's eyes and said, "I've been wanting to do that since I first laid eyes on you. There are so many things about you that are beautiful, but your ears fascinate half the ship."

Spock raised a brow. "They are simply cartilage, exactly like the cartilage of your own ears, merely with a slightly different shape."

Kirk laughed. "Yes, Spock, I know our fascination with your ears isn't logical. But you should know by now that humans are rarely all that logical, and our sexuality is probably the least logical part of us."

"I am aware of it." Spock looked uncomfortable. "Given the exigencies of Vulcan sexuality, this is one area in which I cannot claim that Vulcans are superior in logic to humans."

Kirk clasped Spock's face between his hands and smiled fondly into his eyes. "Don't worry, you make up for it the rest of the time."

Spock closed his eyes briefly and then opened them again, looking uncomfortable. "Jim, if I do not return your caresses, it is **not** because I do not wish to. For your own protection, I dare not allow my affection for you to have physical expression until I know that I may have you for my mate, lest the bond between us become unbreakable."

Kirk dropped his hands and stepped back. "Then I won't make it any harder for you." He took a step towards the door, then turned and looked back. "I'll remove myself, so that I don't keep tempting both of us to take this farther than it should go. We'll go back to interacting as friends and fellow officers until that shore leave."

Spock inclined his head in formal acknowledgement. "Until then, I will await thee."

.

.

* * *

 **Author's Notes**

 **1.** It always takes a bit of bravery to post a story publicly, but it takes even more to post stories about a sexual variation that is frequently pathologized and widely misunderstood. So if you liked this story, I _really_ hope that you'll say so, even if you don't generally leave comments.

 **2.** Although I believe I have justified this version of Spock and of _pon farr_ with the internal memo and with the lines from "The Naked Time" that I quoted in the notes at the beginning of the story, I'm aware that this version of Spock is not the one that most people want. I'm intending this story for people who enjoy such things; those who prefer a sweeter Spock should feel completely free to ignore everything I've said here.

 **3.** If you liked this story, you might also enjoy my story "Whipping Boy," though in that one it's Kirk who's the sadist and Spock who's the submissive. :-)

 **4.** I have a chronic illness that leaves me non-functional more days than not. I will try to respond to any comments I receive; unfortunately, my good intentions are frequently thwarted by my poor health. (I do read them all with great attention, even when my health doesn't permit me to reply.)

 **5.** I don't own Star Trek, and I make no money from the stories I write; everything here is just fans playing in the sandbox. If anything, I think I probably have more respect for the characters than Paramount does. :-)

 **6.** I've made a Starfleet career for the computer game _The Sims 3_. You can get it (or just read about it) at ModTheSims. As always at ModTheSims — and as always with my game mods — the career is completely free, though it does require both _The Sims 3_ and the _Into the Future_ expansion pack to play it. (Please note that this is for _The Sims 3_ , NOT for _The Sims 4.)_

 **7.** Thanks for reading!

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	3. Chapter 2 and a half

**Author's Note:** I've been ill for most of the past week, so Chapter 3 is not ready as quickly as any of us would like. To tide you over until my &%$# health cooperates, here's a little snippet. We can call this chapter two and a half. ;-)

* * *

.

A week before their "practice" _pon farr_ during shore leave, Kirk was seated behind the desk in his quarters, working on reports, when he heard the door open and looked up to see Spock entering his cabin through their shared bathroom.

This was the first time the two of them had been alone together since the conversation in Spock's quarters, a week before. Of course they worked closely together every day, and in their interactions on the bridge, in the mess hall, and on landing parties, Spock had been the usual consummate first officer, not deviating in the slightest from the way he'd behaved for the past several years. Kirk wondered if that would change, now that they were alone.

Spock came to stand next to Kirk's desk, hands behind his back as usual. "Jim, do you have a moment for a conversation of a personal nature?"

Kirk put down his padd, rubbed the back of his neck, and smiled. "I could use a break, actually. What's up?"

Spock handed Kirk an object that Kirk had never expected to see in his Vulcan first officer's hands: a dildo. It was made of rubber, slightly longer than the average penis but so thick that it actually looked squat, and Kirk chuckled slightly as he examined it. He looked up at Spock and said, only half-jokingly, "Isn't this a little ambitious?"

Spock raised an eyebrow. "The ambition is your own, since it was you who proposed that we become lovers."

Kirk shook his head. "I don't understand."

Spock clasped his now dildo-less hands behind his back. "This object duplicates the exact size and shape of my erect penis, which I thought would be useful in your preparations."

Kirk whistled. "Well, Mr. Spock, I'm impressed. Your human half doesn't seem to be much in evidence here," he teased.

"Of course not."

"Huh?"

Spock tilted his head slightly. "You are aware that females have two X chromosomes and males have an X and a Y. Since the genes for male genitals are carried on the Y chromosome, and since my mother had no Y chromosome to give me, in this one area, I am fully Vulcan."

Kirk mock-sighed. "Vulcans already have the strength, the intelligence, the telepathy, and a host of other advantages. Couldn't you guys at least have smaller dicks than humans?"

The tips of Spock's ears turned slightly green, and he stood stiffly, as he did when uncomfortable. "The average Vulcan penis and the average human penis differ in length and girth by no more than half a centimeter."

Kirk laughed. "I should have known — I mean when are you ever average?"

Spock continued to look uncomfortable, so Kirk swallowed his amusement. "All right, Spock, I'll stop teasing you." He set the dildo down on his desk, continuing to regard it for a moment, then lifted his eyes to his first officer's face. "All kidding aside, I'm glad to know just how much I'll need to stretch myself out when I prepare for you."

Spock inclined his head. "That is why I constructed the object." He looked searchingly at Kirk's face and said, "Unless it has caused you to reconsider our proposed course of action."

Kirk smiled. "As long as your cock isn't covered in poisonous spikes, I'm not going to change my mind."

Spock's eyes took on the softness they had when he was teasing. "Vulcans do differ from humans in some ways, but the only part of my anatomy that is sharper than your own are the tips of my ears, and we have already established that you find those pleasing."

Kirk looked at the extremely thick dildo sitting on his desk and back at his first officer. He pitched his voice seductively. "I expect to find **all** of you pleasing, Mr. Spock; it's just that some parts of you will be more ... thoroughly ... pleasing than I'd expected."

Spock inhaled sharply, gave Kirk a hungry look, and abruptly left the room.

.

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* * *

 **Author's Notes**

 **1.** I had expected to have the last chapter up by now, but I have new health problems, in addition to my usual slate of chronic ones. If I utter the words "ultrasound," "biopsy," and "hysterectomy," perhaps you will understand that I'm not just dawdling... Not only is the problem severe enough to make me too mentally foggy to write, but it's hard to feel sexy with this kind of thing going on, and I don't want to give Kirk and Spock anything less than my best.

 **I'm having surgery on December 16th** , and I really will finish this story once I've recovered; I apologize for the delay.

 **2.** There has been considerable preoccupation in Star Trek fan fiction with the exact size and shape of Vulcan genitals. I couldn't resist teasing us all about this, but no disrespect is intended, either to the fandom or to Mr. Spock.

 **3.** This story takes place right after "The Immunity Syndrome." That episode occurred three-quarters of the way through the second season, and yet I have Kirk thinking that he's known Spock for SEVERAL years. Why?

I'm assuming that the first year of the TV series is the second year of the five-year mission _at the earliest._ Why? Three reasons:

 **a.** It's clear in "Where No Man Has Gone Before" — the second pilot and the first episode made that features Jim Kirk — that the crew has known each other for awhile. Spock is already calling Kirk "Jim" when they're alone, for example.

 **b.** In "The Menagerie," Spock makes two illuminating statements. He says that he served under Captain Pike for "eleven years, four months, five days," AND he says that the events on Talos IV happened "thirteen years ago."

We know that the events on Talos IV were not Spock's first-ever mission with Pike, partly because he's already the science officer, partly because he's still limping from the previous mission. So at least SOME of those "eleven years, four months, five days" happened BEFORE "thirteen years ago," which means that at the time of "The Menagerie," Spock has been serving under Kirk for at least two years, possibly more. But "The Menagerie" is during the first season of TOS.

 **c.** In "Amok Time," at the beginning of the second season, when Spock asks for leave, Kirk says that Spock has never asked for leave "in all the years I've known you." If their time knowing one another had begun when the series did, then this conversation would be happening at the very beginning of their second year, and no one would say "all the years I've known you" to talk about knowing someone for just over one year. So Kirk and Spock must have known each other longer than that.

 **Conclusion:** Season 1 is the second year of the five-year mission _at the earliest_. This makes dramatic sense, because they're trying to show us a crew that knows each other well, not a crew that's just meeting one another.

 **4.** Fan-made blueprints of the _Enterprise_ show the captain and first officer have adjoining cabins with a shared bathroom. This isn't canon, of course, but lots of TOS fanfic assumes that Kirk and Spock share a bathroom because of those blueprints, because it makes so many things easier. One of the things it makes easier is having Spock bring Kirk a dildo without his having to wander around the corridors carrying it ... though if anyone could carry a dildo through the corridors while wearing a face that flatly prohibited anyone from mentioning this, it would be Spock. :-)

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End file.
